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ho_summer2017-07-02 02:19 am
hosummer_mod) wrote in ho_summer2017-07-02 02:19 am
Fic for Lady_Michiru!
To: lady_michiru
Title: Drunk Enough to Dance
Pairing/Group: Nakajima Yuto/Suda Masaki, one sided Nakajima Yuto/Yamada Ryosuke, one sided Yamada Ryosuke/Suda Masaki
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: alcohol problems, toxic relationships, angst, very slight spoiler for ‘Pink and Gray’
Word Count: 9597
Summary: What starts as a casual hook-up over a shared crush turns into a tangled mess of drinks, sex, and unrequited feelings.
Notes: Dearest recipient-sama - this isn't exactly what you asked for but I sincerely hope there's enough in here that you like to make it an adequate enough gift!! Also HUGE thanks topinkynishi for beta-ing this beast for me, I really appreciate all of your help!
There are fingers riffling through his hair, long, rough ones, and Suda leans his head into the touch, the grumble of a groan sounding from somewhere low in his throat. He’s drunk, too drunk to be doing this, not drunk enough to really believe it.
“You could pretend I’m him...” he hears, echoing in his mind, and his own almost amused voice answering. “So you can pretend I’m him?” Yuto had just smiled, grimaced maybe, “I’m not nearly drunk enough for that.”
He can’t remember now which one of them had waved over a barmaid to bring them a bottle of vodka, and he can’t remember how exactly they got from there to stumbling through the door to Yuto’s apartment. He remembers knocking over the umbrella stand and the bark of Yuto’s laughter and then he remembers there being a bottle passed back and forth between his and Yuto’s lips but he couldn’t even say what it was.
The last thing he remembers is tumbling down onto Yuto’s bed, those fingers in his hair, and there are lips, warm ones on his throat and Yuto’s body pressing down against him. He shudders as he feels the lips moving and he thinks maybe his hips are rocking up for friction and then their lips are meeting, just a brief press before he’s moaning around Yuto’s tongue and the room starts spinning.
He wakes with a start, he’s not sure what caused it, Yuto is still sleeping beside him, his dark hair falling over his face and it’s the first time Suda has seen it look anywhere near peaceful. Yuto is beautiful too, in his own way, there’s something in the quiet seriousness, a kind of elegant solemness. He’s beautiful, but it’s not even close to the way Yamada is beautiful.
Suda leaves before Yuto wakes up, or gets up rather because he’s sure that Yuto was awake long before he left, just pretending to be asleep, avoiding, maybe denying. It’s a good thing, because Suda doesn’t really want to talk about it anyway, but it’s also kind of bad because he has no fucking idea what happened. He’s not sore. He imagines he would be if they’d have done it, done it that way at least, but he has no idea if he fucked Yuto or not.
~
The previous night, it had taken two bottles of beer before Suda’d managed to even conjure the courage to call Yuto. He decided to call rather than mail because he wasn’t sure he could stand the suspense of waiting for a reply. He didn’t fully expect Yuto to answer, and he definitely didn’t expect Yuto to actually be free that night. And yet, less than an hour later he’d found himself tucked into a corner table at a bar, his fourth beer in his hand and Yuto sitting opposite him, a glass of wine drained in front of him.
There were a number of ways he could have gone about getting the information out of Yuto, he could have just come right out and asked and he’s sure Yuto would have told him, begrudgingly perhaps. The second was to try and sneak it out of him by talking about Yamada, but then that might have just been too obvious, obvious enough he might as well have just come out and asked.
The option he decided to take was to tease Yuto a little – only a little, because three months working with Yuto taught him that Yuto doesn’t have the longest of fuses – and to try and wheedle out the information that way.
“Come on...” he’d started, as soon as he’d steered the conversation close enough to transition it. “I’ve heard rumours about what you Johnny’s guys get up to...”
“Bullshit and fan-fiction.” Yuto had huffed, pouring himself a fourth and final hearty measure from the wine bottle.
“Really?” Suda had asked, a little more conspiratorially this time. “You’ve never done anything?”
Yuto looked a little scandalised “Aren’t you the one that goes around kissing co-actors?”
Suda waved the accusation away with a hand and leaned forward. “I’m not talking about stuff like that. Johnny’s is different, you’re thrown together with some of the nation’s most handsome and talented boys, and at that age where you’re just finding out who you are...there must have been some curiosity...” Yuto was just looking at him, the quirk of his eyebrow almost amused now, and Suda swallowed heavily, took a sip of beer to try and calm himself before adding. “You and Yamada were pretty close back then right?”
Yuto just looked at him skeptically for a long moment and Suda was sure he’d figured it out. It could have been the slight quiver in his voice, the way his eyes flashed subconsciously away at the name, or maybe it was the heat in his cheeks that he was sure was visible even with the low lighting.
Yuto sucked in a long breath and held it just a moment as he watched Suda start to squirm under his scrutiny, and then he let it go as he reclined into his seat and lit up a cigarette. “You’re wasting your time,” He said, matter-of-factly, and then he leaned forward again to pick up his glass of wine. “Yama-chan isn’t into guys.”
He could have laughed it off, saved face and all, but there was something in the almost passive tiredness of Yuto’s words that had him saying instead: “It’s not like I’m particularly into guys either...at least not to the point where I’ve ever wanted to do anything. There’s something different about him though...something that’s weirdly exciting, and soothing and...frustrating...I thought maybe if there was a chance he’d...”
Yuto had cut off his words with a head shake and a long drag from his cigarette, smoke billowing out into the space between them. “There isn’t...” Suda wanted to protest, to argue the point but there was that same something about Yuto’s face, the resigned certainty, that had him just nodding instead, picking up his beer before sinking back into his chair rather sullenly. “You could pretend I’m him if you want?” Yuto said after what felt like hours of careful consideration.
Suda just looked at him in surprise for a moment, unsure if he’d heard right, wondering why Yuto would even offer that. And then the realisation struck him, what Yuto would get out of it, why he was so certain Yamada wasn’t into guys. Suda laughed a little though there was nothing particularly funny about the situation, and he leaned forward again in his seat to ask “So you can pretend I’m him?”
Yuto smiled too, only there was something a little pained about it, instead of denying the implication however he just drained the last of his wine and answered “I’m not nearly drunk enough for that”.
~
He doesn’t expect to hear from Yuto for a while, if at all. He doesn’t particularly want to contact Yuto either, he doesn’t want to have that awkward ‘So what did we do last time?’ conversation but to his surprise, it’s less than a week before Suda receives a mail from him. ‘Want to come over? I have lots of alcohol.’
It’s not the lure of the alcohol that has Suda typing back ‘Sure, when?’, not directly at least. It’s not that he’s particularly eager to get drunk but the message implies Yuto’s willingness too, and Suda can think of only one reason Yuto would invite him over to get drunk together. He finds it a little strange how excited that prospect makes him, especially considering the severe lack of recollection of their last tryst together. The parts he does remember however have him eagerly responding to Yuto’s ‘whenever you’re ready’ with ‘I’m on my way’.
Yuto is already a little drunk when Suda arrives, he greets Suda at the door with a wide grin and a bottle of beer, and he warns him about the umbrella stand with an amused arch to his eyebrow as he leads the way into the sitting room.
Suda takes a seat on the sofa, he’s not sure if he did last time, and that thought makes him feel awkward enough that he’s still perched stiffly on the edge of it when Yuto returns from the kitchen with a bottle of whisky and two glasses.
“Take your coat off, stay a while.” Yuto tells him, his tone much brighter and livelier than the Yuto he’d become so familiar with on the set of Pink and Gray, it makes him feel a little weird, but at the same time more comfortable, comfortable enough to take off his coat at least. “Have you eaten?” Yuto asks him next.
It’s not an unreasonable question, it’s barely past nine, there were days back then that they hadn’t even finished filming by this time, never mind thought about food. It feels a little strange to picture them sitting eating together in Yuto’s home though and for a brief flash he’s thankful he stopped by that ramen joint on his way home from his photo-shoot. “I ate earlier,” he says and then wonders if that’s the polite thing to say. “If you’re hungry I could...”
Yuto cuts him off with a shake of the head, and raises the glass he’s just filled rather generously for himself. “I don’t eat when I’m drinking.” The phrasing sounds odd, somehow discomfiting but before Suda has chance to dwell on it much Yuto asks “Been busy today?”
The conversation flows easily after that, much as it had the last time they were out together only Yuto seems a lot more easy going this time, a lot more relaxed. He must be feeling it too, he moved to the sofa beside Suda a half hour ago and is sprawled half across him, his fingers – those long rough fingers – sliding absent-mindedly around the rim of his glass.
It could be the whisky, Suda has put back a few generous measures of his own by now, or it could be the smell of Yuto’s cologne, deep and musky, which he didn’t even realise he’d remembered from the last time until it was all around him again. It could be the fact that one of Yuto’s gangly legs is pressed against his, whatever it is, his skin is tingling with anticipation.
“So why did you call me over?” Suda asks, when the anticipation is getting too much. Yuto doesn’t answer right away and when he does it sounds so light and nonchalant that Suda almost wonders if it’s in answer to his question at all. He suspects it is though.
“We had a costume rehearsal for our concert today, do you want to see my photos?” Yuto says.
Suda has seen their PV makings, not all of them, not the ones where Yamada is young enough that he feels dirty watching them when he knows he’s only watching them for Yamada. He’s seen enough of them to know Yuto is always armed with a camera though, and who his favourite subject is – really he should have figured Yuto had a crush on Yamada way before now.
He nods his head eagerly and takes another sip of his whisky. Yuto has switched from whisky to vodka and he takes a swig of that, swallows it down like water and then digs out a key from his pocket.
Yuto had mentioned before about having a dark room, cameras and music were pretty much all they’d talked about on the set of Pink and Gray, Yamada aside, and Suda wasn’t even really all that interested in cameras, he thinks the idea of a home dark room is pretty neat though. Still, when Yuto opens a door, closing it behind them before opening another one, it’s nothing like the cramped little cupboard he’d expected.
It’s dark, naturally, the only light coming from a bare red bulb hanging from the ceiling. It takes a few moments for his eyes to adjust, but then he can make out the counters lining each side of the room, drawers and cupboards beneath them, trays of liquid set out on top of them.
There’s a large microscope too, or that’s what it looks like at least, Suda has never tried developing his own pictures so he doesn’t know what it’s for, he doesn’t really care that much. What he’s far more interested in are the photos, hung by clothes pegs along four wires running the length of the room. They’re black and white photos of Yamada, all beautiful, and a throb low in his stomach reminds him rather forcefully of why he’s here.
It’s quiet as he makes his way along the first row, Yamada in cut off sweats, he’s sitting on the floor stretching and nobody has any right to look that good with a towel wrapped around their head. It’s kind of unbelievable.
“I’ve never let anybody in before...” Yuto says quietly from beside him and Suda knows he’s talking about the room but the almost relieved exhale that follows the words makes Suda think it’s about more than that.
“I can see why...” Suda responds without thinking, to anyone that didn’t get it, this display would look incredibly creepy. He looks over at Yuto, expecting to see the stony expression that’s so familiar on his features but instead Yuto is smiling softly, gratefully maybe.
Suda turns away and continues walking along the rows of photos, all Yamada, all different angles, different costumes, most smiling cutely at the camera. There are a few of him napping on the dressing room sofa – no less than Suda expected – but there are others as well, ones where Yamada isn’t looking at the camera, isn’t putting on his idol front, some look dorky, some serious, most unintentionally sexy. All of them beautiful.
Another photo catches his eye, this one is framed, much bigger than the others and it hangs on the wall. It’s stunning. Yuto is behind him, his voice barely more than breath fanning over Suda’s cheek. “This is my favourite...”
The picture isn’t indecent, Yamada isn’t even half naked - the strap of a tank top is visible across Yamada’s shoulder, in the corner of the frame. It’s a close up of Yamada laying down on his side, one hand cushioning his cheek and his dark hair, kindaichi era Suda guesses, is slightly unkempt. It’s the expression that draws Suda’s gaze though, it looks serene, his features soft, relaxed, a smile tugging at just the very corners of his lips. And his eyes. It was the eyes that got to him first, when he first met Yamada, there was always something about them, the way they’re both bright and inviting and yet soft and soothing, so deep you might drown in them. His expression is serene, but the faint smile adds a touch of amused bemusement to it too, it looks both grateful and baffled, like he can’t quite understand why anybody would want to take a photo of him.
He’s still not sure why he’s attracted to Yamada the way he is, how he somehow wants to both protect and ravage him and to understand him. He doesn’t know what it is, but as he looks at the picture he finds himself thinking about it again, feeling again that curious mix of excitement and frustration.
The first touch of Yuto’s fingers to his arm makes him shudder, his breath leaving him and then Yuto’s lips are right beside his ear. “Incomparable, isn’t he?”
Suda’s answer is a moan, a quiet one that catches in his throat as Yuto’s lips move from his ear to his neck and he tilts his head as they brush over his skin, setting it alight. He breathes out a whine as Yuto kisses over his shoulder, his hands finding Suda’s waist and sliding down, pulling him back by the hips until they’re flush together and it’s like sharp flare of arousal in his groin. Yuto grinds against him, slow but hard and there’s pressure against Suda’s tail-bone, pressure that he pushes back against until Yuto chokes on a gasp.
He turns as much as he can, briefly catching sight of a sea of tiny monochrome Yamada’s before his eyes slide closed, Yuto’s lips tracing his jaw to his lips. It’s hard to kiss properly with the angle, it feels strange enough to be kissing Yuto at all, when he’s sober enough to vaguely know what is going on.
Yuto’s lips are fervent, their kisses rushed and sloppy and they only become more uncoordinated as Yuto’s hand slides down, palming Suda through the front of his cargo pants. Suda can’t help bucking against his hand, his hips juddering in place, torn between grinding forward into Yuto’s open palm and back against the hardness pressing into his ass.
Suda can feel Yuto’s ragged breaths against his cheek, feel the urgency creeping into their kisses, and the hand still clutching Suda’s hip is trembling. “Don’t fall asleep on me,” Yuto says, pleads maybe, his voice half a rasp. “I need this so much.”
‘This’. The word catches for a moment in his mind but before Suda has even figured out what is wrong with it, Yuto’s hand is slipping beneath his clothes to touch him skin on skin and Suda nods vigorously. He’s not sure, not one hundred percent at least, what he’s agreeing too, but he feels like he’d do anything to just feel more of Yuto.
Yuto’s hand has barely wrapped around him, one stroke, a kiss punctuated by a sharp gasp, two strokes, Yuto’s arm shaking, a shuddering groan against his jaw. And then the hand is gone.
Suda whines in protest, but then he feels Yuto’s hand working on his belt buckle and the whine shifts into an approving groan. Yuto’s hum is approving too, tickling Suda’s ear as he pries open his pants and shoves them down to his knees along with his boxers.
It’s both thrilling and kind of terrifying, standing half naked, Yuto pressed close behind him, his warm rough hands caressing his his bared skin, catching from the corner of his eyes, their audience, motionless, eyes staring, hundreds of photos of Yamada. He knows Yuto is looking at them too, his eyes are open, looking up at the framed one in front of them even as his kisses blanket Suda’s shoulder and one hand pries its way between their bodies to grope Suda’s backside.
He feels Yuto’s head tip back as his hand squeezes Suda’s ass firmly before moving down to caress his thighs and then the hand disappears. Yuto groans something, the words are to raspy for Suda to hear but the tone is approving, before it is interrupted with the sound of rustling clothing.
He jerks sharply as Yuto’s hand reappears, cold and slick, sliding from his tail-bone downwards and Suda’s foggy brain has barely wrapped around what is happening, what is about to happen before it does. He gasps in surprise as a strange sensation makes his insides squirm, it’s uncomfortable only in it’s unfamiliarity but it’s not entirely unpleasant. It intensifies in the next second, and Suda’s hand reflexively grips Yuto’s other hand, the one that is once again clutching his hip, as he feels the stretch of Yuto’s fingers inside him.
“You’re so hot,” Yuto growls into his ear and it sends a shudder down Suda’s spine, making him clench involuntarily around Yuto’s fingers. “Fuck.” and Yuto takes a few laboured breaths before prying his left hand from Suda’s hip and taking Suda’s hand in his own, squeezing lightly just once before stretching it out to press it onto the counter in front of them, leaning them down over it. “I’ve been waiting so long for this.”
For a moment the strangeness of the words strike him but then Yuto’s fingers are retreating from inside him and it takes every ounce of his concentration not to break apart as he’s filled with something much larger.
Yuto is speaking again, the blood pounding in Suda’s head is far too loud for him to even tell if it’s words or just moans. He’s making a noise too, he can feel the burn of it in his throat but he’s never heard such wanton groans issue from his own mouth before. It’s all so new, dizzyingly so, and Yuto is thrusting into him so fast, so hard that he barely has time to catch his breath between his shameless moans.
He still feels as though he’s inside out when a new sensation envelopes him, this one much more familiar, Yuto’s hand has moved from his waist, sliding underneath him, wrapping firmly around his erection.
Suda cries out again, his voice hoarse and he presses his forehead into the counter beneath them as jolts of pleasure rock through him, deeper, more intense than anything he’s felt before. The hand that Yuto is still holding down on the counter clenches, his fingers grappling for purchase on the smooth surface as his hips try and push back and forth between the pleasures in front and behind him.
As he grows accustomed to the feeling of Yuto inside him, the squirming sensation becomes more of a tingling, and then a low glowing, spiking into a sharp spark of pleasure each time Yuto’s hand rubs roughly over the head of his cock, making him clench against the length inside.
The two distinct feelings meld and blur into one, and Suda finds his breaths coming out more like desperate moans as the low burn envelopes his whole groin, growing hotter with every passing second, with every clumsy stroke of Yuto’s hand, spreading out along his limbs.
He feels it coming just moments before it happens, his gasped warning of “I’m coming” sounding more like a sob and Yuto’s hand moves faster. “I’m coming,” he cries again, so close he can taste it, it’s like honey in the back of his throat, thick and sweet, and he almost chokes on the breath he tries to hold as the pressure inside him ignites.
He’s still jerking through the aftershocks when Yuto’s hand abandons his cock and moves back to his hip, pulling Suda back against him as his thrusts get faster, harder.
“Ah,” Yuto gasps right into Suda’s ear then “Ah,” again, louder as his rhythm starts to falter, his lips press forcefully into Suda’s hair, his fingers tightening their grip almost painfully on his hip. “Ah, Ryosuke.”
Yuto falls still, gasping heavily into Suda’s hair and his soiled hand moves back beneath Suda’s body to wrap tightly around his waist, holding him close. One of them is shaking and Suda has no idea who, he still feels breathless himself, tired from the exertion, his knees weak and his skin still prickling. He feels winded from the sound of the other man’s name still ringing in his ears. It shouldn’t bother him, he knew what this was about after all.
Suda hisses as he pulls out and then winces as Yuto helps him to stand up straight, his muscles already cramping. “Are you alright?” Yuto asks comfortingly and Suda nods as he stretches his arms into the air and rolls his head to stretch his neck. His eyes fall on the photo in front of them, it seems curiously less breath-taking than it had half an hour ago but Suda shakes the thought away, he’s too drunk, too tired to be thinking about what that means. He’s too sticky too.
“Can I take a shower?” he asks.
“Of course,” Yuto says, the hand that at some point had relocated to his back rubs gently, and then he withdraws to pull up his trousers. Suda pulls his up too, wincing at the way his boxers stick to him as he half stumbles after Yuto to the bathroom.
When he emerges from the shower, wrapped in only a fluffy towel, his aches soothed a little by the warm spray, he finds Yuto sprawled across the sofa. There’s a fresh glass of whisky in his hand and he’s sitting staring into its depths.
Yuto looks up when Suda clears his throat, he puts the glass aside and sits up with a small smile. “How are you doing?”
Suda nods, he’s a little sore but nothing he can’t handle “I’m good.” And then just for a moment it’s awkward as Suda tries to figure how to ask if Yuto wants him to leave. It’s not that he particularly wants to stay or anything, but he’s not relishing the idea of taking a taxi at gone one in the morning, his clothes reeking of whisky and sex.
Almost as though he were thinking aloud, Yuto settles it for him “If you’re staying the night I could wash your clothes ready for morning...”
“Thanks.” Suda nods. “Yeah, that’d be good”
Yuto smiles and picks his glass back up, offering it first to Suda who shakes his head, before taking a big gulp. “You can head to bed if you like, I’ll take a shower soon, just leave your clothes on the floor outside the bedroom door.”
Suda doesn’t hear Yuto come to bed, he doesn’t manage to stay awake long enough to even hear the shower, but when he wakes sometime before dawn, the heavy presence of Yuto’s body along his side feels nice.
In the morning he learns that Yuto is a late riser, though that could be the fault of the hangover Suda notices him trying to hide. He also learns that Yuto likes plain rice and aspirin for breakfast and that he takes his morning coffee on the Irish side.
As their meetings continue, Suda learns a lot more about Yuto in between the furious bouts of Yamada-fueled fornication. Yuto tells him enthusiastically about his hobbies as they guzzle down beer, lots of beer. He shows Suda how the enlarger works – he was pretty close with microscope – and they watch as another black and white picture of Yamada reveals itself before them in the developing fluid. Yuto declines to give more than a passing introduction to his cameras, partly because he’s aware how boring it is to other people and partly because he’s not stupid enough to touch his precious cameras while drunk. And then he shows Suda his drum-kits, the electric one he even lets Suda play because it has headphones and doesn’t make too much noise for almost midnight. Suda gets shivers again as Yuto leans over his back, his hands correcting Suda’s grip and aim and afterwards Suda rides him while Yuto perches on his drum stool, and Suda corrects Yuto’s grip as they stroke him in tandem.
The next time, they talk briefly about family and childhood as they sip cheap wine before grilling each other on love and relationships. Yuto admits that there may have been some truth in that scandal that one time, about the affair with the older woman, and he also admits that he’s not particularly interested in women and that it had just been convenient. Suda admits that he was something of a playboy in his younger days, despite generally not being particularly interested in either gender. It’s only then that Yuto thinks to ask if Suda had actually done it with a guy before, before him. When Suda shakes his head a little sheepishly, Yuto pounces on him, some old fantasy playing in his head Suda suspects because this time Yuto is so gentle it’s almost a tease, and he moans Yamada’s name again as they come together.
Each time he comes over he finds something new to discover about Yuto while they drink whatever Yuto supplies to help him get drunk enough to fuck. Whisky is the most common choice. That or bourbon. Though Yuto seems keen on vodka too, and one time it was brandy that was so overwhelmingly sweet that Suda was sick before he was even tipsy. One time it was rum, another tequila, and when Suda had commented the time after about how Yuto could start his own cocktail bar, Yuto had revealed a collection of spirits and liqueurs that would make any respectable establishment green-eyed with envy. That time they laughed about embarrassing things they’d been made to do at work over Yuto’s home made cocktails.
That’s the one that both surprises, and weirdly stirs Suda most, because despite the completely different person he’s come to know over the last few weeks, he just can’t picture the sullen and serious man he once worked with dressing up as a piece of steak as part of a shish-kebab in some kids dream-world to cure his hatred of barbecues. The mental image of it is hilarious, and yet the gap in the different sides of Yuto is what has Suda still thinking about it hours later, as Yuto snores beside him. It’s the gap that has Suda’s chest feeling weirdly weak as he watches Yuto’s sleeping face.
He brings it up the next time Yuto invites him over. “Why were you so miserable when we worked together?” he asks hesitantly, rolling his mostly empty tumbler of whisky between his palms. “I mean was it just about being in character?” he continues when Yuto takes a while to answer, he played the same character technically and it didn’t drive him into despair, he guesses everyone has different ways of getting into a role though.
“Kind of...” Yuto answers him, he’s wearing a soft smile when Suda looks over at him. “It was a pretty touchy subject.” and then he laughs a little, it’s not even bitter it’s just amused. “As soon as I knew there was going to be a movie, I wanted that role. I thought I was like, some fucking martyr or something.” And then he looks over at Suda, draining the rest of his tumbler quickly before stating. “I must have been insufferable to work with...”
Suda laughs, and that makes Yuto laugh, and then he refills their glasses. “Nah,” Suda says, after taking a thoughtful and reflective sip. It’s difficult now to even recall how he felt about Yuto back then, he definitely never would have imagined himself spending the night at Yuto’s, especially not frequently. He could never have pictured them drinking and talking into the early hours of the morning, and he can’t quite pinpoint when it was he realised that he was just as attracted to Yuto as he was to Yamada, he certainly wasn’t back then. “You weren’t difficult or unpleasant to work with. I just...you just seemed so...unapproachable. I like this Yuto a lot better.” He doesn’t mean to use Yuto’s first name, he just feels comfortable enough that it slips out, Yuto doesn’t seem perturbed though.
“When I was young...” Yuto starts and for a moment Suda isn’t sure if he’s changing the subject or if it’s just a really long story. “I was very arrogant.”
Suda snorts a little because that was the last word he expected to come out of Yuto’s mouth. “Arrogant? I can picture you being a lot of things, but arrogant?”
For a moment Yuto looks slightly gratified, but then he shakes his head. “I was arrogant, and I was spoiled and egotistical. I had natural talent and I was pretty fucking cute, senpai and producers and managers alike all fawned over me and I had this bloated sense of entitlement. And then one day there was Yama-chan...” he takes another gulp of his drink “He really looked up to me, most of the other juniors did, I was like top tier junior, but Yama-chan was...he wasn’t like the other juniors, I mean we all tried to be somebody but he really tried. He’d tell me his goal was to catch up to me.”
“And he did?”
“He surpassed me...” Yuto tells him with one perfectly arched eyebrow raised. “Tantei Gakuen Q, Yama-chan’s first acting role...nobody told me directly but I’ve heard it said a lot that I was picked for that role...and then they discovered Yama-chan. He got so popular so fast and then the next thing I knew he was standing front and centre of the group and I got perfect attendance at school.”
For just a moment Suda sees that old stony expression again, the one Yuto wore tirelessly while on the set of Pink and Gray, it looks somehow different this time, more guarded than unapproachable. His eyes are strained, like they’re trying to hide the storm surging inside them. “That must have been rough...”
“It was, for years” Yuto agrees, his expression becoming almost distant as he watches the whisky he’s swirling in his glass, the reflection of the vortex behind his eyes. “For literally years I closed myself up and I convinced myself that the world was against me, that everyone thought I was worthless and I found it so hard to laugh and to smile and as an idol I just felt even more like a failure.” Suda feels his face falling, he’s never realised how vicious that storm was, how complicated Yuto’s feelings were. Yuto seems to sense his thoughts and his lips spread into a bitter smile before wrapping around the lip of his tumbler and draining it again. “Poor pitiful creature that I was, right?” And he laughs, “The world wasn’t against me, I just dealt with it badly, I was the one that pushed everyone away, I was the one that treated Yama-chan like a traitor even though he didn’t exactly have any more say in it than I did...once I figured out I was the one stopping myself from being happy I learned how to laugh at myself again.”
Yuto shrugs like that’s that and refills his glass, but Suda is still caught on this idea of the Yuto he never even conceived the existence of, the Yuto that was once hurt and vulnerable, that still was two years ago and that clearly still is. “There’s more too it than that...” Suda presses and Yuto’s face falls into a frown just for a moment before he shakes his head dismissively.
“Hating him and wanting to fuck him at the same time was more than a little confusing.” he concedes, though it seems rather reluctant. “We’re fine now, I don’t hate him any more...”
“But you still want to fuck him?” Suda asserts.
Yuto shrugs, lighting himself a cigarette as he answers “Isn’t that what this is about?”
The words sting more than Suda would like to admit, he tries not to let it show though, swallows down his pride as he says “It doesn’t have to be, we can still fuck and it can just be what it is…”
"And what is it if it isn't about Yamada?" Yuto asks. Suda doesn’t think he means it to be as hurtful as it is, his expression looks merely perplexed but Suda’s insides feel like they’re crumbling.
He doesn't answer, he doesn't know what the answer is, not even what he wants it to be. Instead he just watches Yuto leaning back in the armchair, nursing his glass of whisky in one hand as the other lifts his cigarette to his lips again.
There’s a strange sinking feeling in his stomach as it hits him. "It’s not just that you want to fuck him is it? You're in love with him...like intensely and inexorably in love with him." This time it's Yuto that doesn't answer, he just blows a billow of smoke into the room and closes his eyes slowly. He suddenly looks so tired, so worn down, "Then why are you doing this?"
The silence lasts long enough that Suda thinks he might not answer again, but eventually he does. He opens his eyes and turns them on Suda and there’s something beautifully broken about them. "What choice do I have?"
It’s too much. He doesn’t know how to deal with the hurt in Yuto’s face, knows even less about how to deal with the way the pain resonates in his chest. He finds himself once again too drunk, too tired to try and deal with his feelings and suddenly he thinks he understands why Yuto drinks as much as he does.
He gets up with the intention of leaving but there’s a flash of something so desolate in Yuto’s expression that instead of crossing to the door he moves to the armchair instead. Instead of leaving, he takes Yuto’s cigarette and stubs it out roughly in the ashtray before taking his drink and placing it on the coffee table by the armchair, and then he sinks down onto Yuto’s lap.
Yuto glances at the discarded drink, and Suda can hear his words echoing again from so long ago “I’m nowhere near drunk enough for that” but before Yuto can protest he leans in to claim a kiss. Yuto kisses back, reluctantly at first, but he relents with a soft moan as Suda’s tongue swipes between his lips.
It’s nothing like any other kiss they’ve shared, it lacks the ferocity and yet not the passion, Suda can still feel it there.
After a while he pulls back, his heart throbbing weakly when Yuto leans forward to claim his lips back but he only allows a few gentle pecks before he retreats, getting to his feet. For just a moment Yuto looks terrified, but Suda doesn’t leave even though he knows he should, he holds out his hand, and when Yuto takes it he leads Yuto along the hall to the bedroom.
He feels torn, and as much as he wants to believe it’s just empathy, an echo of the pain he now understands Yuto to be feeling over his unrequited feelings, he knows that it’s not. He’s felt it for while now, every time Yuto called out Yamada’s name.
His confusion drives him towards Yuto, his arms wrapping around Yuto’s waist, his fingers clenching in the back of Yuto’s shirt, and for a moment he just rests his head down on Yuto’s shoulder.
A kind of clarity falls over him as he stands in Yuto’s loose embrace, a resolution almost, and when he lifts head up he kisses Yuto slowly, just once before confessing “I want you to say my name instead of his.”
Yuto doesn’t speak, his expression a strange mix of torn and resigned, but he complies when Suda leans up to kiss him again. He complies when Suda’s hands slide to the small of his back and grip the edge of his T-shirt, pulling it up and over Yuto’s head.
Suda drops the T-shirt to the floor and his hands find Yuto’s bared skin flushed and warm. It could be the heat in Yuto’s small apartment, it could be the alcohol, but as Suda leans in to pepper open mouthed kisses along his shoulder, Yuto lets out a soft moan that says it could be arousal too.
When he’s tasted enough of Yuto’s skin, his hands move down to the buckle of Yuto’s belt. Once it’s opened, his button and zipper following it, Suda is relieved to find Yuto hard. He peels Yuto’s jeans over his hips and when he pushes them down, Yuto steps out of them.
He steps back, for a moment just looking over Yuto’s body, the hard muscle and the smooth he’s come to know and to desire. He feels that desire all that much more in the frenzy of his feelings. He slides down to his knees, and Yuto swallows heavily as he watches Suda shuffle forward, his fingers playing with the waistband of Yuto’s boxers as he kisses the jutting hipbone and the light, almost invisible line of hair that trails down from his navel.
Suda follows that line with his tongue, and he feels Yuto’s erection twitch against his Adam’s apple. He continues down the line, teasing Yuto’s boxers down as he goes and the next time Yuto’s cock twitches it leaves a sticky trail against his cheek.
They haven’t done this before, neither of them. In their meetings foreplay has been minimal, both of them too worked up to care for more than the necessary actions to prepare Suda for Yuto to penetrate him. Tonight it feels different. It is different, Suda thinks, it’s somehow become more than a quick fuck over a shared crush, to him at least.
He looks up, watching Yuto watching him as he reaches out with a hand to grip the base of Yuto’s cock and then enclose the head between his lips. He keeps his eyes open as he slides down, swallowing as much of Yuto’s considerable length as can before sliding back up.
Yuto’s eyebrows furrow, his lips parting in a silent moan as he lifts a hand to stroke Suda’s cheek, and for a moment Suda’s heart pounds but then Yuto’s eyes slide closed. He wants to tell Yuto to open his eyes, to look at him, to look only at him but it’s as much the fear that Yuto will refuse as it is the cock in his mouth that stops him.
He continues for a few minutes then he pulls away to urge Yuto to turn, to nudge him back until he’s standing at the end of the bed before tugging lightly on his free hand to encourage him down. Yuto sits, and Suda shuffles closer again, his arms supporting him on Yuto’s knees as he leans down and takes Yuto’s cock back into his mouth.
The next time he pulls away it’s to reach out for Yuto’s jeans, he drags them towards him and retrieves the small bottle from the pocket as Yuto watches him in silence, his features unreadable. They haven’t done this either, not this way, but tonight is different after all and Yuto doesn’t protest when Suda opens the bottle and squeezes a little of the slick lubricant onto his fingers.
When he’s put the bottle back on the floor beside him, he reaches out with his dry hand, his palm pressing lightly against Yuto’s chest and Yuto understands. Yuto lays himself down, lifting his feet and planting them on the edge of the bed to give Suda access and for a moment Suda’s nerves catch up with him. He rubs the lube between his fingers for a few moments more, before finally reaching out to press his index finger against Yuto’s rim.
Yuto inhales sharply, but Suda sees the way his cock twitches, the way it continues to twitch as he twists his finger just a little, easing it inside, as far as he can reach before sliding it back out all the way. When he pushes it back in, he pushes his index finger in along with it, and he feels Yuto’s walls clamping around his fingers. It sends a tingle of excitement to his groin that has him groaning aloud.
He gets up onto he knees again, and for a moment he looks at Yuto’s face, his expression still indecipherable, and then he leans down, sucking Yuto’s cock back into his mouth as he slides his fingers out and goes back in with three.
Yuto makes a soft grunting noise and his hips squirm as though he’s trying to push up and back at the same time and Suda feels his own cock throbbing again. He thrusts his fingers slowly, just a few times, as much as he can bear and then he’s pulling them free and getting to his feet.
Yuto looks up at him, a note of concern in his face, but Suda looks back at him assuredly and then as he watches Yuto move up to lay properly on the bed, he strips quickly out of his clothes. When he moves to cover Yuto’s body, Yuto’s legs fall open easily to let Suda settle between them. He can feel Yuto’s erection pressing against his own and for just a few moments he’s content to rock against it, his lips moving fervidly against Yuto’s. The he reaches down to grip one of Yuto’s thighs, urging his leg up for easier access and then he can line himself up.
Yuto’s head is thrown to the side, his eyes clenched closed, his hand bracing against the arm that Suda is holding himself up on. Suda wants to kiss him, wants to be kissing him as he enters him but he throws away the sentimentality in the face of his pressing desire, and just like that he’s sliding inside.
The grip against his arm tightens but when he asks softly “Are you OK?” Yuto just nods quickly, his eyes still tightly closed.
He pauses once he’s all the way in, partly for Yuto’s sake, partly because the overwhelming tightness, adding to the already overwhelming feelings stirring inside him has him feeling far too close to finishing and he wants to savour this.
He moves slowly, taking Yuto as gently as he can stand, and when Yuto’s head turns back to him he kisses him unhurriedly. He wants to touch Yuto, he tries to even, but with the position and with trying to hold himself up as he thrusts he can’t quite work out a rhythm.
Yuto’s hand snakes between them, taking over and Suda moans unexpectedly as he feels the difference in the way Yuto clenches around him. Yuto moans too, his hand speeding up and Suda can’t help speeding up too, his mouth finding Yuto’s again, groaning into as they find a pace that works.
After a few minutes, Yuto pulls his other leg up too, his hips canting ever so slightly and then each of Suda’s thrusts has him gasping and Suda knows he can’t hold on much longer. “Yuto...” Suda whines as he feels it building. He wants to close his eyes, to succumb to it but he wants to savour the moment too, to hold onto it for eternity. “Yuto” he whispers again, and when Yuto’s eyes peel open “I love you.”.
Yuto doesn’t say it back, he doesn’t say his name either but neither does he say Yamada’s, he just closes his eyes tightly again, a sharp gasping sound the only warning before he clamps down hard around Suda’s cock, dragging him over the edge with him.
It’s quiet for a long while after that, just a small intake of breath from Yuto as Suda slides out of him, and then a heavy oppressive silence.
Eventually Yuto rolls out of bed and pads silently out of the room. Suda lays for a few moments, listens for the sound of the toilet flushing, then to Yuto’s footsteps back along to the sitting room, a faint clink of glass. He rubs his hands roughly over his face, cursing himself inwardly for even bringing it up, and then racking his brain for a way out of this mess. It feels like his entire world has flipped onto it’s head in the last hour and the only thing he can think is that it’s over between them and he’s not sure if that’s a bad thing.
When Suda gathers the courage to face Yuto he gets out of bed and puts on his clothes – something tells him he won’t be spending the night. He finds Yuto sitting at the small table in the kitchen, a robe thrown loosely around him and his glass of whisky back in his hand, the bottle almost empty on the table in front of him. Suda moves to the chair opposite and as he sits down Yuto rubs at his swollen eyes.
“Yuto...” Suda starts apologetically though he has no idea how to continue.
“I love him,” Yuto admits, the words sticking in his throat like they’re painful to say. “I love him so much that I can’t stand it. I feels like I’m drowning in it...”
“You feel like you’re drowning because you drink too much...” Suda tells him honestly.
“Maybe.” Yuto agrees, but it doesn’t stop him from draining the rest of his glass. “But I don’t know what else to do...”
He bites back his response long enough that Yuto sighs and reaches for the bottle to pour himself another generous measure but as he watches Yuto drain it in two gulps the words come tumbling out. “Give me a chance...” Yuto looks at him, but he can see that it takes a few moments for Yuto to understand “Let me help you get over him...let me try at least...”
Yuto looks at him both appreciatively and apologetically. His eyes are puffy and blood shot, his hair a tangled mess – he’s a wreck, a beautiful, broken mess and Suda wants nothing more than to try and pull the pieces back together. “I’m sorry.” Yuto says and Suda can see the swirling in Yuto’s eyes once more only the storm has now become a hurricane.
He stays away from Yuto’s place after that, he needs some time to clear his head and his liver too and to sort his feelings out. He doesn’t stop worrying about Yuto though, and that increasing concern leads him to the trigger of it all.
Yamada looks every inch the super model, even dressed down in skinny jeans and an oversized sweater, as he walks over to where Suda is seated at the bar. He looks as beautiful as he ever has, and yet Suda’s heart doesn’t give that same flutter it once did as Yamada sits down beside him. His cheeks don’t flush as Yamada’s soft voice greets him with “It’s been a while, Masaki-chan.”
There are a number of ways he can go about getting the information he wants from Yamada, but as much as he likes Yamada’s company, he’s not in the mood for a long, drawn out conversation so he just comes right out and asks. “How’s Yuto doing?”
“Yuto?” Yamada asks in mild confusion, and Suda isn’t sure if it’s at Suda’s use of his first name, at the idea there would be something wrong with Yuto or at that Suda would both know and care that there was something wrong with Yuto. The former he decides as Yamada frowns a little and shrugs heavily. “We’re not really that close any more, he doesn't really come to me when he has problems, he doesn't really go to anyone...Yuto tends to search for the answers to his problems at the bottom of a bottle."
"And you're alright with that?" Suda says, trying to hold back the incredulity in his voice.
Yamada looks a little affronted, but the expression soon melts into exasperation. "I'm his colleague, it's not affecting his work so what right do I have to tell him how to live his life?" The tone of his voice says its an old argument, Suda doesn't have to try too hard to imagine the words coming from Yuto's lips.
"You could try being his friend." Suda retorts sullenly.
"I do." Yamada tells him. "Things are better between us than they have been in a long time but that doesn’t mean I can go sticking my nose in where it’s not wanted. Anyway, if you're so concerned what are you doing sitting in a bar with me? Why don't you go talk to him?"
Suda pauses for a moment as he figures out how to phrase it, how much he should let on. "Things are a bit complicated where Yuto is concerned…" he settles on eventually.
"Yeah?" Yamada says with an unsurprised raise of an eyebrow "Welcome to the club, I'm president"
He doesn't answer anything to that, just fiddles with his beer bottle, he hasn’t taken even a sip yet – he’s lost the taste for it recently.
He wants to talk to Yuto, he does, and yet he also dreads the thought of it. He wants to know that Yuto is OK, to do anything in his power to help if Yuto isn’t OK, but he fears that he would, in reality, only make things worse. Things were fine before he started prying – they weren’t fine, not really, but they were fine enough to pretend. Now Suda doubts they’ll be able to pretend any more. It feels like a line has been crossed.
It’s good in a way, because Suda isn’t sure if he could have gone on pretending, if he could have kept on sleeping with Yuto, knowing it meant increasingly more to him and nothing to Yuto, knowing Yuto was thinking of Yamada. As much as Suda wants to be with Yuto, he knows that what they had wasn’t real, that as good as it felt in the heat of it, they had nothing but an endless cycle of binge drinking and complicated sex and really, he thinks it’s probably better to stop before he ends up getting hurt.
He’s just starting to accept that it’s really over, that he won’t be seeing Yuto any more, that they won’t spend hours just talking and laughing and that he’ll never taste Yuto’s gentle kisses again, when Yuto shows up unexpectedly on Suda's doorstep. For a brief moment, Suda wonders how he even knew where to find him, they always went to Yuto's, always.
"Hi," He says rather ineloquently when he opens the door.
"You free?" Yuto asks as he holds up a plastic carrier bag. For a moment Suda's heart seems to stop but then he recognises the name of a restaurant he frequents on the side of the bag and he’s let out a breath of relief even before Yuto's words come back to him ”I don't eat when I'm drinking.”
The last thing he wants is to get drunk with Yuto again, to restart that toxic cycle. "You're not drinking tonight then?" He asks, trying to keep his voice conversational but he can hear the tremor in it.
Yuto shakes his head as he follows Suda back into the apartment. "I haven't had a drink in two weeks." Suda turns to face him in surprise but Yuto's expression is rather sheepish "I know that's hardly an achievement but...well the few weeks before that were pretty bad...the few years before that weren't a whole lot better."
"It’s great, I think it’ll be really good for you to cut down" Suda starts, motioning for Yuto to sit down on the sofa and then taking a seat beside him "It must be difficult..."
"I've been spending a lot more time with the members, that helps a lot" Yuto tells him and he clears his throat as his voice gets a little thicker. "Yama-chan came to see me...we had a good long chat once I'd sobered up..."
Suda's heart seems to somehow be fluttering and floundering at the same time as he reluctantly asks, "Yeah?"
"I still love him." Yuto says honestly. "And I won't pretend that I can just stop...but...I think that if I was ever able to love two people, then that other person could only be you. You’ve seen a side of me that nobody has ever seen before, and I think you’ve seen enough of it to know that I’m pretty fucking messed up right now...” Suda opens his mouth to interrupt but Yuto holds out his hand to stop him. “The fact that you could see that and still tell me that you love me is...” Yuto pauses to collect himself, he swallows hard once, closes his eyes tight for a few seconds, and then when they open again they’re determined. “If you can accept all that and if you’re still willing to give me a chance...then I want to try and love you too.”
Everything inside Suda wants to throw caution to the wind, to push Yuto down onto the sofa and make up for the weeks he’s spent not kissing Yuto, but he can’t afford to be reckless and screw things up again. “I’d really like that,” he says instead. A smile breaks slowly over Yuto’s lips and Suda smiles back as Yuto reaches out a hand to take hold of his.
“Thank you.” Yuto says, and he brings Suda’s hand to his lips to kiss his knuckles lightly.
“I appreciate that it won’t be easy...” Suda starts, because there’s one thing he needs to assert if things are going to work between them. “I don’t just mean the drinking… I know that you can’t just decide to stop loving someone because they don’t return your feelings...” He squeezes Yuto’s hand and tries to lighten the tension just a little, “Or because they’re an emotional train-wreck...or both.” Yuto smiles penitently, “I know it doesn’t work like that so I’m OK with you still being in love with him...” he trails off uncomfortably.
“But?” Yuto urges, the smile slipping from his face again.
“But...” Suda continues. “I don’t want you to pretend I’m him any more...”
Yuto shakes his head quickly. “I won’t, I couldn’t.” For one awful moment he hears Yuto’s voice from what feels like a hundred years ago, “I’m nowhere near drunk enough for that,” but then Yuto’s voice, the real, present one, chases the old thought away. “If we’re going to try this for real then it has to just be about us. I don’t want it to be about Yama-chan any more...”
“Good,” Suda says, and then for a moment it’s quiet as Suda’s mind still tries to wrap around Yuto’s words, as they sink down into his chest and make his heart thump with relief.
Yuto swallows “The food will get cold...”
“Let it.” Suda answers, and finally caution meets wind as Yuto’s back meets the sofa and Yuto’s surprised laugh is crushed beneath Suda’s lips.
lady_michiruTitle: Drunk Enough to Dance
Pairing/Group: Nakajima Yuto/Suda Masaki, one sided Nakajima Yuto/Yamada Ryosuke, one sided Yamada Ryosuke/Suda Masaki
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: alcohol problems, toxic relationships, angst, very slight spoiler for ‘Pink and Gray’
Word Count: 9597
Summary: What starts as a casual hook-up over a shared crush turns into a tangled mess of drinks, sex, and unrequited feelings.
Notes: Dearest recipient-sama - this isn't exactly what you asked for but I sincerely hope there's enough in here that you like to make it an adequate enough gift!! Also HUGE thanks to
pinkynishi for beta-ing this beast for me, I really appreciate all of your help!There are fingers riffling through his hair, long, rough ones, and Suda leans his head into the touch, the grumble of a groan sounding from somewhere low in his throat. He’s drunk, too drunk to be doing this, not drunk enough to really believe it.
“You could pretend I’m him...” he hears, echoing in his mind, and his own almost amused voice answering. “So you can pretend I’m him?” Yuto had just smiled, grimaced maybe, “I’m not nearly drunk enough for that.”
He can’t remember now which one of them had waved over a barmaid to bring them a bottle of vodka, and he can’t remember how exactly they got from there to stumbling through the door to Yuto’s apartment. He remembers knocking over the umbrella stand and the bark of Yuto’s laughter and then he remembers there being a bottle passed back and forth between his and Yuto’s lips but he couldn’t even say what it was.
The last thing he remembers is tumbling down onto Yuto’s bed, those fingers in his hair, and there are lips, warm ones on his throat and Yuto’s body pressing down against him. He shudders as he feels the lips moving and he thinks maybe his hips are rocking up for friction and then their lips are meeting, just a brief press before he’s moaning around Yuto’s tongue and the room starts spinning.
He wakes with a start, he’s not sure what caused it, Yuto is still sleeping beside him, his dark hair falling over his face and it’s the first time Suda has seen it look anywhere near peaceful. Yuto is beautiful too, in his own way, there’s something in the quiet seriousness, a kind of elegant solemness. He’s beautiful, but it’s not even close to the way Yamada is beautiful.
Suda leaves before Yuto wakes up, or gets up rather because he’s sure that Yuto was awake long before he left, just pretending to be asleep, avoiding, maybe denying. It’s a good thing, because Suda doesn’t really want to talk about it anyway, but it’s also kind of bad because he has no fucking idea what happened. He’s not sore. He imagines he would be if they’d have done it, done it that way at least, but he has no idea if he fucked Yuto or not.
~
The previous night, it had taken two bottles of beer before Suda’d managed to even conjure the courage to call Yuto. He decided to call rather than mail because he wasn’t sure he could stand the suspense of waiting for a reply. He didn’t fully expect Yuto to answer, and he definitely didn’t expect Yuto to actually be free that night. And yet, less than an hour later he’d found himself tucked into a corner table at a bar, his fourth beer in his hand and Yuto sitting opposite him, a glass of wine drained in front of him.
There were a number of ways he could have gone about getting the information out of Yuto, he could have just come right out and asked and he’s sure Yuto would have told him, begrudgingly perhaps. The second was to try and sneak it out of him by talking about Yamada, but then that might have just been too obvious, obvious enough he might as well have just come out and asked.
The option he decided to take was to tease Yuto a little – only a little, because three months working with Yuto taught him that Yuto doesn’t have the longest of fuses – and to try and wheedle out the information that way.
“Come on...” he’d started, as soon as he’d steered the conversation close enough to transition it. “I’ve heard rumours about what you Johnny’s guys get up to...”
“Bullshit and fan-fiction.” Yuto had huffed, pouring himself a fourth and final hearty measure from the wine bottle.
“Really?” Suda had asked, a little more conspiratorially this time. “You’ve never done anything?”
Yuto looked a little scandalised “Aren’t you the one that goes around kissing co-actors?”
Suda waved the accusation away with a hand and leaned forward. “I’m not talking about stuff like that. Johnny’s is different, you’re thrown together with some of the nation’s most handsome and talented boys, and at that age where you’re just finding out who you are...there must have been some curiosity...” Yuto was just looking at him, the quirk of his eyebrow almost amused now, and Suda swallowed heavily, took a sip of beer to try and calm himself before adding. “You and Yamada were pretty close back then right?”
Yuto just looked at him skeptically for a long moment and Suda was sure he’d figured it out. It could have been the slight quiver in his voice, the way his eyes flashed subconsciously away at the name, or maybe it was the heat in his cheeks that he was sure was visible even with the low lighting.
Yuto sucked in a long breath and held it just a moment as he watched Suda start to squirm under his scrutiny, and then he let it go as he reclined into his seat and lit up a cigarette. “You’re wasting your time,” He said, matter-of-factly, and then he leaned forward again to pick up his glass of wine. “Yama-chan isn’t into guys.”
He could have laughed it off, saved face and all, but there was something in the almost passive tiredness of Yuto’s words that had him saying instead: “It’s not like I’m particularly into guys either...at least not to the point where I’ve ever wanted to do anything. There’s something different about him though...something that’s weirdly exciting, and soothing and...frustrating...I thought maybe if there was a chance he’d...”
Yuto had cut off his words with a head shake and a long drag from his cigarette, smoke billowing out into the space between them. “There isn’t...” Suda wanted to protest, to argue the point but there was that same something about Yuto’s face, the resigned certainty, that had him just nodding instead, picking up his beer before sinking back into his chair rather sullenly. “You could pretend I’m him if you want?” Yuto said after what felt like hours of careful consideration.
Suda just looked at him in surprise for a moment, unsure if he’d heard right, wondering why Yuto would even offer that. And then the realisation struck him, what Yuto would get out of it, why he was so certain Yamada wasn’t into guys. Suda laughed a little though there was nothing particularly funny about the situation, and he leaned forward again in his seat to ask “So you can pretend I’m him?”
Yuto smiled too, only there was something a little pained about it, instead of denying the implication however he just drained the last of his wine and answered “I’m not nearly drunk enough for that”.
~
He doesn’t expect to hear from Yuto for a while, if at all. He doesn’t particularly want to contact Yuto either, he doesn’t want to have that awkward ‘So what did we do last time?’ conversation but to his surprise, it’s less than a week before Suda receives a mail from him. ‘Want to come over? I have lots of alcohol.’
It’s not the lure of the alcohol that has Suda typing back ‘Sure, when?’, not directly at least. It’s not that he’s particularly eager to get drunk but the message implies Yuto’s willingness too, and Suda can think of only one reason Yuto would invite him over to get drunk together. He finds it a little strange how excited that prospect makes him, especially considering the severe lack of recollection of their last tryst together. The parts he does remember however have him eagerly responding to Yuto’s ‘whenever you’re ready’ with ‘I’m on my way’.
Yuto is already a little drunk when Suda arrives, he greets Suda at the door with a wide grin and a bottle of beer, and he warns him about the umbrella stand with an amused arch to his eyebrow as he leads the way into the sitting room.
Suda takes a seat on the sofa, he’s not sure if he did last time, and that thought makes him feel awkward enough that he’s still perched stiffly on the edge of it when Yuto returns from the kitchen with a bottle of whisky and two glasses.
“Take your coat off, stay a while.” Yuto tells him, his tone much brighter and livelier than the Yuto he’d become so familiar with on the set of Pink and Gray, it makes him feel a little weird, but at the same time more comfortable, comfortable enough to take off his coat at least. “Have you eaten?” Yuto asks him next.
It’s not an unreasonable question, it’s barely past nine, there were days back then that they hadn’t even finished filming by this time, never mind thought about food. It feels a little strange to picture them sitting eating together in Yuto’s home though and for a brief flash he’s thankful he stopped by that ramen joint on his way home from his photo-shoot. “I ate earlier,” he says and then wonders if that’s the polite thing to say. “If you’re hungry I could...”
Yuto cuts him off with a shake of the head, and raises the glass he’s just filled rather generously for himself. “I don’t eat when I’m drinking.” The phrasing sounds odd, somehow discomfiting but before Suda has chance to dwell on it much Yuto asks “Been busy today?”
The conversation flows easily after that, much as it had the last time they were out together only Yuto seems a lot more easy going this time, a lot more relaxed. He must be feeling it too, he moved to the sofa beside Suda a half hour ago and is sprawled half across him, his fingers – those long rough fingers – sliding absent-mindedly around the rim of his glass.
It could be the whisky, Suda has put back a few generous measures of his own by now, or it could be the smell of Yuto’s cologne, deep and musky, which he didn’t even realise he’d remembered from the last time until it was all around him again. It could be the fact that one of Yuto’s gangly legs is pressed against his, whatever it is, his skin is tingling with anticipation.
“So why did you call me over?” Suda asks, when the anticipation is getting too much. Yuto doesn’t answer right away and when he does it sounds so light and nonchalant that Suda almost wonders if it’s in answer to his question at all. He suspects it is though.
“We had a costume rehearsal for our concert today, do you want to see my photos?” Yuto says.
Suda has seen their PV makings, not all of them, not the ones where Yamada is young enough that he feels dirty watching them when he knows he’s only watching them for Yamada. He’s seen enough of them to know Yuto is always armed with a camera though, and who his favourite subject is – really he should have figured Yuto had a crush on Yamada way before now.
He nods his head eagerly and takes another sip of his whisky. Yuto has switched from whisky to vodka and he takes a swig of that, swallows it down like water and then digs out a key from his pocket.
Yuto had mentioned before about having a dark room, cameras and music were pretty much all they’d talked about on the set of Pink and Gray, Yamada aside, and Suda wasn’t even really all that interested in cameras, he thinks the idea of a home dark room is pretty neat though. Still, when Yuto opens a door, closing it behind them before opening another one, it’s nothing like the cramped little cupboard he’d expected.
It’s dark, naturally, the only light coming from a bare red bulb hanging from the ceiling. It takes a few moments for his eyes to adjust, but then he can make out the counters lining each side of the room, drawers and cupboards beneath them, trays of liquid set out on top of them.
There’s a large microscope too, or that’s what it looks like at least, Suda has never tried developing his own pictures so he doesn’t know what it’s for, he doesn’t really care that much. What he’s far more interested in are the photos, hung by clothes pegs along four wires running the length of the room. They’re black and white photos of Yamada, all beautiful, and a throb low in his stomach reminds him rather forcefully of why he’s here.
It’s quiet as he makes his way along the first row, Yamada in cut off sweats, he’s sitting on the floor stretching and nobody has any right to look that good with a towel wrapped around their head. It’s kind of unbelievable.
“I’ve never let anybody in before...” Yuto says quietly from beside him and Suda knows he’s talking about the room but the almost relieved exhale that follows the words makes Suda think it’s about more than that.
“I can see why...” Suda responds without thinking, to anyone that didn’t get it, this display would look incredibly creepy. He looks over at Yuto, expecting to see the stony expression that’s so familiar on his features but instead Yuto is smiling softly, gratefully maybe.
Suda turns away and continues walking along the rows of photos, all Yamada, all different angles, different costumes, most smiling cutely at the camera. There are a few of him napping on the dressing room sofa – no less than Suda expected – but there are others as well, ones where Yamada isn’t looking at the camera, isn’t putting on his idol front, some look dorky, some serious, most unintentionally sexy. All of them beautiful.
Another photo catches his eye, this one is framed, much bigger than the others and it hangs on the wall. It’s stunning. Yuto is behind him, his voice barely more than breath fanning over Suda’s cheek. “This is my favourite...”
The picture isn’t indecent, Yamada isn’t even half naked - the strap of a tank top is visible across Yamada’s shoulder, in the corner of the frame. It’s a close up of Yamada laying down on his side, one hand cushioning his cheek and his dark hair, kindaichi era Suda guesses, is slightly unkempt. It’s the expression that draws Suda’s gaze though, it looks serene, his features soft, relaxed, a smile tugging at just the very corners of his lips. And his eyes. It was the eyes that got to him first, when he first met Yamada, there was always something about them, the way they’re both bright and inviting and yet soft and soothing, so deep you might drown in them. His expression is serene, but the faint smile adds a touch of amused bemusement to it too, it looks both grateful and baffled, like he can’t quite understand why anybody would want to take a photo of him.
He’s still not sure why he’s attracted to Yamada the way he is, how he somehow wants to both protect and ravage him and to understand him. He doesn’t know what it is, but as he looks at the picture he finds himself thinking about it again, feeling again that curious mix of excitement and frustration.
The first touch of Yuto’s fingers to his arm makes him shudder, his breath leaving him and then Yuto’s lips are right beside his ear. “Incomparable, isn’t he?”
Suda’s answer is a moan, a quiet one that catches in his throat as Yuto’s lips move from his ear to his neck and he tilts his head as they brush over his skin, setting it alight. He breathes out a whine as Yuto kisses over his shoulder, his hands finding Suda’s waist and sliding down, pulling him back by the hips until they’re flush together and it’s like sharp flare of arousal in his groin. Yuto grinds against him, slow but hard and there’s pressure against Suda’s tail-bone, pressure that he pushes back against until Yuto chokes on a gasp.
He turns as much as he can, briefly catching sight of a sea of tiny monochrome Yamada’s before his eyes slide closed, Yuto’s lips tracing his jaw to his lips. It’s hard to kiss properly with the angle, it feels strange enough to be kissing Yuto at all, when he’s sober enough to vaguely know what is going on.
Yuto’s lips are fervent, their kisses rushed and sloppy and they only become more uncoordinated as Yuto’s hand slides down, palming Suda through the front of his cargo pants. Suda can’t help bucking against his hand, his hips juddering in place, torn between grinding forward into Yuto’s open palm and back against the hardness pressing into his ass.
Suda can feel Yuto’s ragged breaths against his cheek, feel the urgency creeping into their kisses, and the hand still clutching Suda’s hip is trembling. “Don’t fall asleep on me,” Yuto says, pleads maybe, his voice half a rasp. “I need this so much.”
‘This’. The word catches for a moment in his mind but before Suda has even figured out what is wrong with it, Yuto’s hand is slipping beneath his clothes to touch him skin on skin and Suda nods vigorously. He’s not sure, not one hundred percent at least, what he’s agreeing too, but he feels like he’d do anything to just feel more of Yuto.
Yuto’s hand has barely wrapped around him, one stroke, a kiss punctuated by a sharp gasp, two strokes, Yuto’s arm shaking, a shuddering groan against his jaw. And then the hand is gone.
Suda whines in protest, but then he feels Yuto’s hand working on his belt buckle and the whine shifts into an approving groan. Yuto’s hum is approving too, tickling Suda’s ear as he pries open his pants and shoves them down to his knees along with his boxers.
It’s both thrilling and kind of terrifying, standing half naked, Yuto pressed close behind him, his warm rough hands caressing his his bared skin, catching from the corner of his eyes, their audience, motionless, eyes staring, hundreds of photos of Yamada. He knows Yuto is looking at them too, his eyes are open, looking up at the framed one in front of them even as his kisses blanket Suda’s shoulder and one hand pries its way between their bodies to grope Suda’s backside.
He feels Yuto’s head tip back as his hand squeezes Suda’s ass firmly before moving down to caress his thighs and then the hand disappears. Yuto groans something, the words are to raspy for Suda to hear but the tone is approving, before it is interrupted with the sound of rustling clothing.
He jerks sharply as Yuto’s hand reappears, cold and slick, sliding from his tail-bone downwards and Suda’s foggy brain has barely wrapped around what is happening, what is about to happen before it does. He gasps in surprise as a strange sensation makes his insides squirm, it’s uncomfortable only in it’s unfamiliarity but it’s not entirely unpleasant. It intensifies in the next second, and Suda’s hand reflexively grips Yuto’s other hand, the one that is once again clutching his hip, as he feels the stretch of Yuto’s fingers inside him.
“You’re so hot,” Yuto growls into his ear and it sends a shudder down Suda’s spine, making him clench involuntarily around Yuto’s fingers. “Fuck.” and Yuto takes a few laboured breaths before prying his left hand from Suda’s hip and taking Suda’s hand in his own, squeezing lightly just once before stretching it out to press it onto the counter in front of them, leaning them down over it. “I’ve been waiting so long for this.”
For a moment the strangeness of the words strike him but then Yuto’s fingers are retreating from inside him and it takes every ounce of his concentration not to break apart as he’s filled with something much larger.
Yuto is speaking again, the blood pounding in Suda’s head is far too loud for him to even tell if it’s words or just moans. He’s making a noise too, he can feel the burn of it in his throat but he’s never heard such wanton groans issue from his own mouth before. It’s all so new, dizzyingly so, and Yuto is thrusting into him so fast, so hard that he barely has time to catch his breath between his shameless moans.
He still feels as though he’s inside out when a new sensation envelopes him, this one much more familiar, Yuto’s hand has moved from his waist, sliding underneath him, wrapping firmly around his erection.
Suda cries out again, his voice hoarse and he presses his forehead into the counter beneath them as jolts of pleasure rock through him, deeper, more intense than anything he’s felt before. The hand that Yuto is still holding down on the counter clenches, his fingers grappling for purchase on the smooth surface as his hips try and push back and forth between the pleasures in front and behind him.
As he grows accustomed to the feeling of Yuto inside him, the squirming sensation becomes more of a tingling, and then a low glowing, spiking into a sharp spark of pleasure each time Yuto’s hand rubs roughly over the head of his cock, making him clench against the length inside.
The two distinct feelings meld and blur into one, and Suda finds his breaths coming out more like desperate moans as the low burn envelopes his whole groin, growing hotter with every passing second, with every clumsy stroke of Yuto’s hand, spreading out along his limbs.
He feels it coming just moments before it happens, his gasped warning of “I’m coming” sounding more like a sob and Yuto’s hand moves faster. “I’m coming,” he cries again, so close he can taste it, it’s like honey in the back of his throat, thick and sweet, and he almost chokes on the breath he tries to hold as the pressure inside him ignites.
He’s still jerking through the aftershocks when Yuto’s hand abandons his cock and moves back to his hip, pulling Suda back against him as his thrusts get faster, harder.
“Ah,” Yuto gasps right into Suda’s ear then “Ah,” again, louder as his rhythm starts to falter, his lips press forcefully into Suda’s hair, his fingers tightening their grip almost painfully on his hip. “Ah, Ryosuke.”
Yuto falls still, gasping heavily into Suda’s hair and his soiled hand moves back beneath Suda’s body to wrap tightly around his waist, holding him close. One of them is shaking and Suda has no idea who, he still feels breathless himself, tired from the exertion, his knees weak and his skin still prickling. He feels winded from the sound of the other man’s name still ringing in his ears. It shouldn’t bother him, he knew what this was about after all.
Suda hisses as he pulls out and then winces as Yuto helps him to stand up straight, his muscles already cramping. “Are you alright?” Yuto asks comfortingly and Suda nods as he stretches his arms into the air and rolls his head to stretch his neck. His eyes fall on the photo in front of them, it seems curiously less breath-taking than it had half an hour ago but Suda shakes the thought away, he’s too drunk, too tired to be thinking about what that means. He’s too sticky too.
“Can I take a shower?” he asks.
“Of course,” Yuto says, the hand that at some point had relocated to his back rubs gently, and then he withdraws to pull up his trousers. Suda pulls his up too, wincing at the way his boxers stick to him as he half stumbles after Yuto to the bathroom.
When he emerges from the shower, wrapped in only a fluffy towel, his aches soothed a little by the warm spray, he finds Yuto sprawled across the sofa. There’s a fresh glass of whisky in his hand and he’s sitting staring into its depths.
Yuto looks up when Suda clears his throat, he puts the glass aside and sits up with a small smile. “How are you doing?”
Suda nods, he’s a little sore but nothing he can’t handle “I’m good.” And then just for a moment it’s awkward as Suda tries to figure how to ask if Yuto wants him to leave. It’s not that he particularly wants to stay or anything, but he’s not relishing the idea of taking a taxi at gone one in the morning, his clothes reeking of whisky and sex.
Almost as though he were thinking aloud, Yuto settles it for him “If you’re staying the night I could wash your clothes ready for morning...”
“Thanks.” Suda nods. “Yeah, that’d be good”
Yuto smiles and picks his glass back up, offering it first to Suda who shakes his head, before taking a big gulp. “You can head to bed if you like, I’ll take a shower soon, just leave your clothes on the floor outside the bedroom door.”
Suda doesn’t hear Yuto come to bed, he doesn’t manage to stay awake long enough to even hear the shower, but when he wakes sometime before dawn, the heavy presence of Yuto’s body along his side feels nice.
In the morning he learns that Yuto is a late riser, though that could be the fault of the hangover Suda notices him trying to hide. He also learns that Yuto likes plain rice and aspirin for breakfast and that he takes his morning coffee on the Irish side.
As their meetings continue, Suda learns a lot more about Yuto in between the furious bouts of Yamada-fueled fornication. Yuto tells him enthusiastically about his hobbies as they guzzle down beer, lots of beer. He shows Suda how the enlarger works – he was pretty close with microscope – and they watch as another black and white picture of Yamada reveals itself before them in the developing fluid. Yuto declines to give more than a passing introduction to his cameras, partly because he’s aware how boring it is to other people and partly because he’s not stupid enough to touch his precious cameras while drunk. And then he shows Suda his drum-kits, the electric one he even lets Suda play because it has headphones and doesn’t make too much noise for almost midnight. Suda gets shivers again as Yuto leans over his back, his hands correcting Suda’s grip and aim and afterwards Suda rides him while Yuto perches on his drum stool, and Suda corrects Yuto’s grip as they stroke him in tandem.
The next time, they talk briefly about family and childhood as they sip cheap wine before grilling each other on love and relationships. Yuto admits that there may have been some truth in that scandal that one time, about the affair with the older woman, and he also admits that he’s not particularly interested in women and that it had just been convenient. Suda admits that he was something of a playboy in his younger days, despite generally not being particularly interested in either gender. It’s only then that Yuto thinks to ask if Suda had actually done it with a guy before, before him. When Suda shakes his head a little sheepishly, Yuto pounces on him, some old fantasy playing in his head Suda suspects because this time Yuto is so gentle it’s almost a tease, and he moans Yamada’s name again as they come together.
Each time he comes over he finds something new to discover about Yuto while they drink whatever Yuto supplies to help him get drunk enough to fuck. Whisky is the most common choice. That or bourbon. Though Yuto seems keen on vodka too, and one time it was brandy that was so overwhelmingly sweet that Suda was sick before he was even tipsy. One time it was rum, another tequila, and when Suda had commented the time after about how Yuto could start his own cocktail bar, Yuto had revealed a collection of spirits and liqueurs that would make any respectable establishment green-eyed with envy. That time they laughed about embarrassing things they’d been made to do at work over Yuto’s home made cocktails.
That’s the one that both surprises, and weirdly stirs Suda most, because despite the completely different person he’s come to know over the last few weeks, he just can’t picture the sullen and serious man he once worked with dressing up as a piece of steak as part of a shish-kebab in some kids dream-world to cure his hatred of barbecues. The mental image of it is hilarious, and yet the gap in the different sides of Yuto is what has Suda still thinking about it hours later, as Yuto snores beside him. It’s the gap that has Suda’s chest feeling weirdly weak as he watches Yuto’s sleeping face.
He brings it up the next time Yuto invites him over. “Why were you so miserable when we worked together?” he asks hesitantly, rolling his mostly empty tumbler of whisky between his palms. “I mean was it just about being in character?” he continues when Yuto takes a while to answer, he played the same character technically and it didn’t drive him into despair, he guesses everyone has different ways of getting into a role though.
“Kind of...” Yuto answers him, he’s wearing a soft smile when Suda looks over at him. “It was a pretty touchy subject.” and then he laughs a little, it’s not even bitter it’s just amused. “As soon as I knew there was going to be a movie, I wanted that role. I thought I was like, some fucking martyr or something.” And then he looks over at Suda, draining the rest of his tumbler quickly before stating. “I must have been insufferable to work with...”
Suda laughs, and that makes Yuto laugh, and then he refills their glasses. “Nah,” Suda says, after taking a thoughtful and reflective sip. It’s difficult now to even recall how he felt about Yuto back then, he definitely never would have imagined himself spending the night at Yuto’s, especially not frequently. He could never have pictured them drinking and talking into the early hours of the morning, and he can’t quite pinpoint when it was he realised that he was just as attracted to Yuto as he was to Yamada, he certainly wasn’t back then. “You weren’t difficult or unpleasant to work with. I just...you just seemed so...unapproachable. I like this Yuto a lot better.” He doesn’t mean to use Yuto’s first name, he just feels comfortable enough that it slips out, Yuto doesn’t seem perturbed though.
“When I was young...” Yuto starts and for a moment Suda isn’t sure if he’s changing the subject or if it’s just a really long story. “I was very arrogant.”
Suda snorts a little because that was the last word he expected to come out of Yuto’s mouth. “Arrogant? I can picture you being a lot of things, but arrogant?”
For a moment Yuto looks slightly gratified, but then he shakes his head. “I was arrogant, and I was spoiled and egotistical. I had natural talent and I was pretty fucking cute, senpai and producers and managers alike all fawned over me and I had this bloated sense of entitlement. And then one day there was Yama-chan...” he takes another gulp of his drink “He really looked up to me, most of the other juniors did, I was like top tier junior, but Yama-chan was...he wasn’t like the other juniors, I mean we all tried to be somebody but he really tried. He’d tell me his goal was to catch up to me.”
“And he did?”
“He surpassed me...” Yuto tells him with one perfectly arched eyebrow raised. “Tantei Gakuen Q, Yama-chan’s first acting role...nobody told me directly but I’ve heard it said a lot that I was picked for that role...and then they discovered Yama-chan. He got so popular so fast and then the next thing I knew he was standing front and centre of the group and I got perfect attendance at school.”
For just a moment Suda sees that old stony expression again, the one Yuto wore tirelessly while on the set of Pink and Gray, it looks somehow different this time, more guarded than unapproachable. His eyes are strained, like they’re trying to hide the storm surging inside them. “That must have been rough...”
“It was, for years” Yuto agrees, his expression becoming almost distant as he watches the whisky he’s swirling in his glass, the reflection of the vortex behind his eyes. “For literally years I closed myself up and I convinced myself that the world was against me, that everyone thought I was worthless and I found it so hard to laugh and to smile and as an idol I just felt even more like a failure.” Suda feels his face falling, he’s never realised how vicious that storm was, how complicated Yuto’s feelings were. Yuto seems to sense his thoughts and his lips spread into a bitter smile before wrapping around the lip of his tumbler and draining it again. “Poor pitiful creature that I was, right?” And he laughs, “The world wasn’t against me, I just dealt with it badly, I was the one that pushed everyone away, I was the one that treated Yama-chan like a traitor even though he didn’t exactly have any more say in it than I did...once I figured out I was the one stopping myself from being happy I learned how to laugh at myself again.”
Yuto shrugs like that’s that and refills his glass, but Suda is still caught on this idea of the Yuto he never even conceived the existence of, the Yuto that was once hurt and vulnerable, that still was two years ago and that clearly still is. “There’s more too it than that...” Suda presses and Yuto’s face falls into a frown just for a moment before he shakes his head dismissively.
“Hating him and wanting to fuck him at the same time was more than a little confusing.” he concedes, though it seems rather reluctant. “We’re fine now, I don’t hate him any more...”
“But you still want to fuck him?” Suda asserts.
Yuto shrugs, lighting himself a cigarette as he answers “Isn’t that what this is about?”
The words sting more than Suda would like to admit, he tries not to let it show though, swallows down his pride as he says “It doesn’t have to be, we can still fuck and it can just be what it is…”
"And what is it if it isn't about Yamada?" Yuto asks. Suda doesn’t think he means it to be as hurtful as it is, his expression looks merely perplexed but Suda’s insides feel like they’re crumbling.
He doesn't answer, he doesn't know what the answer is, not even what he wants it to be. Instead he just watches Yuto leaning back in the armchair, nursing his glass of whisky in one hand as the other lifts his cigarette to his lips again.
There’s a strange sinking feeling in his stomach as it hits him. "It’s not just that you want to fuck him is it? You're in love with him...like intensely and inexorably in love with him." This time it's Yuto that doesn't answer, he just blows a billow of smoke into the room and closes his eyes slowly. He suddenly looks so tired, so worn down, "Then why are you doing this?"
The silence lasts long enough that Suda thinks he might not answer again, but eventually he does. He opens his eyes and turns them on Suda and there’s something beautifully broken about them. "What choice do I have?"
It’s too much. He doesn’t know how to deal with the hurt in Yuto’s face, knows even less about how to deal with the way the pain resonates in his chest. He finds himself once again too drunk, too tired to try and deal with his feelings and suddenly he thinks he understands why Yuto drinks as much as he does.
He gets up with the intention of leaving but there’s a flash of something so desolate in Yuto’s expression that instead of crossing to the door he moves to the armchair instead. Instead of leaving, he takes Yuto’s cigarette and stubs it out roughly in the ashtray before taking his drink and placing it on the coffee table by the armchair, and then he sinks down onto Yuto’s lap.
Yuto glances at the discarded drink, and Suda can hear his words echoing again from so long ago “I’m nowhere near drunk enough for that” but before Yuto can protest he leans in to claim a kiss. Yuto kisses back, reluctantly at first, but he relents with a soft moan as Suda’s tongue swipes between his lips.
It’s nothing like any other kiss they’ve shared, it lacks the ferocity and yet not the passion, Suda can still feel it there.
After a while he pulls back, his heart throbbing weakly when Yuto leans forward to claim his lips back but he only allows a few gentle pecks before he retreats, getting to his feet. For just a moment Yuto looks terrified, but Suda doesn’t leave even though he knows he should, he holds out his hand, and when Yuto takes it he leads Yuto along the hall to the bedroom.
He feels torn, and as much as he wants to believe it’s just empathy, an echo of the pain he now understands Yuto to be feeling over his unrequited feelings, he knows that it’s not. He’s felt it for while now, every time Yuto called out Yamada’s name.
His confusion drives him towards Yuto, his arms wrapping around Yuto’s waist, his fingers clenching in the back of Yuto’s shirt, and for a moment he just rests his head down on Yuto’s shoulder.
A kind of clarity falls over him as he stands in Yuto’s loose embrace, a resolution almost, and when he lifts head up he kisses Yuto slowly, just once before confessing “I want you to say my name instead of his.”
Yuto doesn’t speak, his expression a strange mix of torn and resigned, but he complies when Suda leans up to kiss him again. He complies when Suda’s hands slide to the small of his back and grip the edge of his T-shirt, pulling it up and over Yuto’s head.
Suda drops the T-shirt to the floor and his hands find Yuto’s bared skin flushed and warm. It could be the heat in Yuto’s small apartment, it could be the alcohol, but as Suda leans in to pepper open mouthed kisses along his shoulder, Yuto lets out a soft moan that says it could be arousal too.
When he’s tasted enough of Yuto’s skin, his hands move down to the buckle of Yuto’s belt. Once it’s opened, his button and zipper following it, Suda is relieved to find Yuto hard. He peels Yuto’s jeans over his hips and when he pushes them down, Yuto steps out of them.
He steps back, for a moment just looking over Yuto’s body, the hard muscle and the smooth he’s come to know and to desire. He feels that desire all that much more in the frenzy of his feelings. He slides down to his knees, and Yuto swallows heavily as he watches Suda shuffle forward, his fingers playing with the waistband of Yuto’s boxers as he kisses the jutting hipbone and the light, almost invisible line of hair that trails down from his navel.
Suda follows that line with his tongue, and he feels Yuto’s erection twitch against his Adam’s apple. He continues down the line, teasing Yuto’s boxers down as he goes and the next time Yuto’s cock twitches it leaves a sticky trail against his cheek.
They haven’t done this before, neither of them. In their meetings foreplay has been minimal, both of them too worked up to care for more than the necessary actions to prepare Suda for Yuto to penetrate him. Tonight it feels different. It is different, Suda thinks, it’s somehow become more than a quick fuck over a shared crush, to him at least.
He looks up, watching Yuto watching him as he reaches out with a hand to grip the base of Yuto’s cock and then enclose the head between his lips. He keeps his eyes open as he slides down, swallowing as much of Yuto’s considerable length as can before sliding back up.
Yuto’s eyebrows furrow, his lips parting in a silent moan as he lifts a hand to stroke Suda’s cheek, and for a moment Suda’s heart pounds but then Yuto’s eyes slide closed. He wants to tell Yuto to open his eyes, to look at him, to look only at him but it’s as much the fear that Yuto will refuse as it is the cock in his mouth that stops him.
He continues for a few minutes then he pulls away to urge Yuto to turn, to nudge him back until he’s standing at the end of the bed before tugging lightly on his free hand to encourage him down. Yuto sits, and Suda shuffles closer again, his arms supporting him on Yuto’s knees as he leans down and takes Yuto’s cock back into his mouth.
The next time he pulls away it’s to reach out for Yuto’s jeans, he drags them towards him and retrieves the small bottle from the pocket as Yuto watches him in silence, his features unreadable. They haven’t done this either, not this way, but tonight is different after all and Yuto doesn’t protest when Suda opens the bottle and squeezes a little of the slick lubricant onto his fingers.
When he’s put the bottle back on the floor beside him, he reaches out with his dry hand, his palm pressing lightly against Yuto’s chest and Yuto understands. Yuto lays himself down, lifting his feet and planting them on the edge of the bed to give Suda access and for a moment Suda’s nerves catch up with him. He rubs the lube between his fingers for a few moments more, before finally reaching out to press his index finger against Yuto’s rim.
Yuto inhales sharply, but Suda sees the way his cock twitches, the way it continues to twitch as he twists his finger just a little, easing it inside, as far as he can reach before sliding it back out all the way. When he pushes it back in, he pushes his index finger in along with it, and he feels Yuto’s walls clamping around his fingers. It sends a tingle of excitement to his groin that has him groaning aloud.
He gets up onto he knees again, and for a moment he looks at Yuto’s face, his expression still indecipherable, and then he leans down, sucking Yuto’s cock back into his mouth as he slides his fingers out and goes back in with three.
Yuto makes a soft grunting noise and his hips squirm as though he’s trying to push up and back at the same time and Suda feels his own cock throbbing again. He thrusts his fingers slowly, just a few times, as much as he can bear and then he’s pulling them free and getting to his feet.
Yuto looks up at him, a note of concern in his face, but Suda looks back at him assuredly and then as he watches Yuto move up to lay properly on the bed, he strips quickly out of his clothes. When he moves to cover Yuto’s body, Yuto’s legs fall open easily to let Suda settle between them. He can feel Yuto’s erection pressing against his own and for just a few moments he’s content to rock against it, his lips moving fervidly against Yuto’s. The he reaches down to grip one of Yuto’s thighs, urging his leg up for easier access and then he can line himself up.
Yuto’s head is thrown to the side, his eyes clenched closed, his hand bracing against the arm that Suda is holding himself up on. Suda wants to kiss him, wants to be kissing him as he enters him but he throws away the sentimentality in the face of his pressing desire, and just like that he’s sliding inside.
The grip against his arm tightens but when he asks softly “Are you OK?” Yuto just nods quickly, his eyes still tightly closed.
He pauses once he’s all the way in, partly for Yuto’s sake, partly because the overwhelming tightness, adding to the already overwhelming feelings stirring inside him has him feeling far too close to finishing and he wants to savour this.
He moves slowly, taking Yuto as gently as he can stand, and when Yuto’s head turns back to him he kisses him unhurriedly. He wants to touch Yuto, he tries to even, but with the position and with trying to hold himself up as he thrusts he can’t quite work out a rhythm.
Yuto’s hand snakes between them, taking over and Suda moans unexpectedly as he feels the difference in the way Yuto clenches around him. Yuto moans too, his hand speeding up and Suda can’t help speeding up too, his mouth finding Yuto’s again, groaning into as they find a pace that works.
After a few minutes, Yuto pulls his other leg up too, his hips canting ever so slightly and then each of Suda’s thrusts has him gasping and Suda knows he can’t hold on much longer. “Yuto...” Suda whines as he feels it building. He wants to close his eyes, to succumb to it but he wants to savour the moment too, to hold onto it for eternity. “Yuto” he whispers again, and when Yuto’s eyes peel open “I love you.”.
Yuto doesn’t say it back, he doesn’t say his name either but neither does he say Yamada’s, he just closes his eyes tightly again, a sharp gasping sound the only warning before he clamps down hard around Suda’s cock, dragging him over the edge with him.
It’s quiet for a long while after that, just a small intake of breath from Yuto as Suda slides out of him, and then a heavy oppressive silence.
Eventually Yuto rolls out of bed and pads silently out of the room. Suda lays for a few moments, listens for the sound of the toilet flushing, then to Yuto’s footsteps back along to the sitting room, a faint clink of glass. He rubs his hands roughly over his face, cursing himself inwardly for even bringing it up, and then racking his brain for a way out of this mess. It feels like his entire world has flipped onto it’s head in the last hour and the only thing he can think is that it’s over between them and he’s not sure if that’s a bad thing.
When Suda gathers the courage to face Yuto he gets out of bed and puts on his clothes – something tells him he won’t be spending the night. He finds Yuto sitting at the small table in the kitchen, a robe thrown loosely around him and his glass of whisky back in his hand, the bottle almost empty on the table in front of him. Suda moves to the chair opposite and as he sits down Yuto rubs at his swollen eyes.
“Yuto...” Suda starts apologetically though he has no idea how to continue.
“I love him,” Yuto admits, the words sticking in his throat like they’re painful to say. “I love him so much that I can’t stand it. I feels like I’m drowning in it...”
“You feel like you’re drowning because you drink too much...” Suda tells him honestly.
“Maybe.” Yuto agrees, but it doesn’t stop him from draining the rest of his glass. “But I don’t know what else to do...”
He bites back his response long enough that Yuto sighs and reaches for the bottle to pour himself another generous measure but as he watches Yuto drain it in two gulps the words come tumbling out. “Give me a chance...” Yuto looks at him, but he can see that it takes a few moments for Yuto to understand “Let me help you get over him...let me try at least...”
Yuto looks at him both appreciatively and apologetically. His eyes are puffy and blood shot, his hair a tangled mess – he’s a wreck, a beautiful, broken mess and Suda wants nothing more than to try and pull the pieces back together. “I’m sorry.” Yuto says and Suda can see the swirling in Yuto’s eyes once more only the storm has now become a hurricane.
He stays away from Yuto’s place after that, he needs some time to clear his head and his liver too and to sort his feelings out. He doesn’t stop worrying about Yuto though, and that increasing concern leads him to the trigger of it all.
Yamada looks every inch the super model, even dressed down in skinny jeans and an oversized sweater, as he walks over to where Suda is seated at the bar. He looks as beautiful as he ever has, and yet Suda’s heart doesn’t give that same flutter it once did as Yamada sits down beside him. His cheeks don’t flush as Yamada’s soft voice greets him with “It’s been a while, Masaki-chan.”
There are a number of ways he can go about getting the information he wants from Yamada, but as much as he likes Yamada’s company, he’s not in the mood for a long, drawn out conversation so he just comes right out and asks. “How’s Yuto doing?”
“Yuto?” Yamada asks in mild confusion, and Suda isn’t sure if it’s at Suda’s use of his first name, at the idea there would be something wrong with Yuto or at that Suda would both know and care that there was something wrong with Yuto. The former he decides as Yamada frowns a little and shrugs heavily. “We’re not really that close any more, he doesn't really come to me when he has problems, he doesn't really go to anyone...Yuto tends to search for the answers to his problems at the bottom of a bottle."
"And you're alright with that?" Suda says, trying to hold back the incredulity in his voice.
Yamada looks a little affronted, but the expression soon melts into exasperation. "I'm his colleague, it's not affecting his work so what right do I have to tell him how to live his life?" The tone of his voice says its an old argument, Suda doesn't have to try too hard to imagine the words coming from Yuto's lips.
"You could try being his friend." Suda retorts sullenly.
"I do." Yamada tells him. "Things are better between us than they have been in a long time but that doesn’t mean I can go sticking my nose in where it’s not wanted. Anyway, if you're so concerned what are you doing sitting in a bar with me? Why don't you go talk to him?"
Suda pauses for a moment as he figures out how to phrase it, how much he should let on. "Things are a bit complicated where Yuto is concerned…" he settles on eventually.
"Yeah?" Yamada says with an unsurprised raise of an eyebrow "Welcome to the club, I'm president"
He doesn't answer anything to that, just fiddles with his beer bottle, he hasn’t taken even a sip yet – he’s lost the taste for it recently.
He wants to talk to Yuto, he does, and yet he also dreads the thought of it. He wants to know that Yuto is OK, to do anything in his power to help if Yuto isn’t OK, but he fears that he would, in reality, only make things worse. Things were fine before he started prying – they weren’t fine, not really, but they were fine enough to pretend. Now Suda doubts they’ll be able to pretend any more. It feels like a line has been crossed.
It’s good in a way, because Suda isn’t sure if he could have gone on pretending, if he could have kept on sleeping with Yuto, knowing it meant increasingly more to him and nothing to Yuto, knowing Yuto was thinking of Yamada. As much as Suda wants to be with Yuto, he knows that what they had wasn’t real, that as good as it felt in the heat of it, they had nothing but an endless cycle of binge drinking and complicated sex and really, he thinks it’s probably better to stop before he ends up getting hurt.
He’s just starting to accept that it’s really over, that he won’t be seeing Yuto any more, that they won’t spend hours just talking and laughing and that he’ll never taste Yuto’s gentle kisses again, when Yuto shows up unexpectedly on Suda's doorstep. For a brief moment, Suda wonders how he even knew where to find him, they always went to Yuto's, always.
"Hi," He says rather ineloquently when he opens the door.
"You free?" Yuto asks as he holds up a plastic carrier bag. For a moment Suda's heart seems to stop but then he recognises the name of a restaurant he frequents on the side of the bag and he’s let out a breath of relief even before Yuto's words come back to him ”I don't eat when I'm drinking.”
The last thing he wants is to get drunk with Yuto again, to restart that toxic cycle. "You're not drinking tonight then?" He asks, trying to keep his voice conversational but he can hear the tremor in it.
Yuto shakes his head as he follows Suda back into the apartment. "I haven't had a drink in two weeks." Suda turns to face him in surprise but Yuto's expression is rather sheepish "I know that's hardly an achievement but...well the few weeks before that were pretty bad...the few years before that weren't a whole lot better."
"It’s great, I think it’ll be really good for you to cut down" Suda starts, motioning for Yuto to sit down on the sofa and then taking a seat beside him "It must be difficult..."
"I've been spending a lot more time with the members, that helps a lot" Yuto tells him and he clears his throat as his voice gets a little thicker. "Yama-chan came to see me...we had a good long chat once I'd sobered up..."
Suda's heart seems to somehow be fluttering and floundering at the same time as he reluctantly asks, "Yeah?"
"I still love him." Yuto says honestly. "And I won't pretend that I can just stop...but...I think that if I was ever able to love two people, then that other person could only be you. You’ve seen a side of me that nobody has ever seen before, and I think you’ve seen enough of it to know that I’m pretty fucking messed up right now...” Suda opens his mouth to interrupt but Yuto holds out his hand to stop him. “The fact that you could see that and still tell me that you love me is...” Yuto pauses to collect himself, he swallows hard once, closes his eyes tight for a few seconds, and then when they open again they’re determined. “If you can accept all that and if you’re still willing to give me a chance...then I want to try and love you too.”
Everything inside Suda wants to throw caution to the wind, to push Yuto down onto the sofa and make up for the weeks he’s spent not kissing Yuto, but he can’t afford to be reckless and screw things up again. “I’d really like that,” he says instead. A smile breaks slowly over Yuto’s lips and Suda smiles back as Yuto reaches out a hand to take hold of his.
“Thank you.” Yuto says, and he brings Suda’s hand to his lips to kiss his knuckles lightly.
“I appreciate that it won’t be easy...” Suda starts, because there’s one thing he needs to assert if things are going to work between them. “I don’t just mean the drinking… I know that you can’t just decide to stop loving someone because they don’t return your feelings...” He squeezes Yuto’s hand and tries to lighten the tension just a little, “Or because they’re an emotional train-wreck...or both.” Yuto smiles penitently, “I know it doesn’t work like that so I’m OK with you still being in love with him...” he trails off uncomfortably.
“But?” Yuto urges, the smile slipping from his face again.
“But...” Suda continues. “I don’t want you to pretend I’m him any more...”
Yuto shakes his head quickly. “I won’t, I couldn’t.” For one awful moment he hears Yuto’s voice from what feels like a hundred years ago, “I’m nowhere near drunk enough for that,” but then Yuto’s voice, the real, present one, chases the old thought away. “If we’re going to try this for real then it has to just be about us. I don’t want it to be about Yama-chan any more...”
“Good,” Suda says, and then for a moment it’s quiet as Suda’s mind still tries to wrap around Yuto’s words, as they sink down into his chest and make his heart thump with relief.
Yuto swallows “The food will get cold...”
“Let it.” Suda answers, and finally caution meets wind as Yuto’s back meets the sofa and Yuto’s surprised laugh is crushed beneath Suda’s lips.
no subject
I had been talking about how good a Yuto/Suda fic would be with a friend like....a week ago and then this thing appears????
I love how everything is connected through alcohol, the first time they slept together, how they get to know each other when they're drinking. I love that Suda slowly falls in love with Yuto the more they're together and how he can see how there was such a disconnect between the two of them from filming Pink and Grey to how they are now together.
It's a little twisted too that both of them love Yamada, but neither of them can have him so they sleep together instead. And it feels so natural for Suda to fall in love with Yuto the more they sleep together just because it feels like something that naturally happens?? You feel so close to the other person and yet Yuto still can't get Yamada from his mind.
I love that it takes time apart for Yuto to realize he shouldn't continue living his life. How, even at rock bottom, Suda can still say he loves him with such conviction, and is willing to give him a chance at happiness. Also just how him bringing food to Suda's place symbolizes his desire for a fresh start.
I just love this. The sex is hot. The story is so heartbreaking yet beautiful. MICCHAN I AM JEALOUS
no subject
I have read this TWICE
I AM WRITING A COMMENT WHICH IS 90% PURE FLAIL. TYPING IN MY //PHONE//. THAT IS HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS.
WIL BE BACK WITH THE (IM)PROPER COMMENT SOON.
I JUST NEEDED TO LET YOU KNOW, ANON-SAMA, THAT I WANNA MARRY THIS FIC AND GIVE IT CHILDREN :'D
ALSO I AM 99% SURE WHO YOU ARE BC THIS FIC IS MADE OF PURE //PAINFUL// PERFECT AWESOME.
no subject
Typing in a phone is Hard for me~
But
OMFG
I am so speechless right now.
This fic was SO hot and fucked up and SO PERFECT.
I love the way it starts a little vague. I love the way Suda doesn't remember the details, just these REALLY HOT flashbacks :33
And alcohol. Yuto, SMOKING Yuto, and LOTS of alcohol.
Gods that was already porn for me.
AND SOMEHOW IT GETS BETTER!! :'D
I WON'T EVER BE ABLE TO GET OVER YUTO BENDING OVER AND FUCKING SUDA MASAKI IN HIS DARK ROOM/YAMADA SHRINE. :'D
I JUST WON'T.
EVER.
MY LIFE IS SO RUINED. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
And then : "RYOSUKE"
I was internally screaming. At night. In a hostel room with //15// other people :'D
Also: riding Yuto on the drum stool.
No. Please let me make this clear for you:
Suda RIDING Yuto = A++++++++
On THE FRIKKIN DRUM STOOL = A +++++++++++++++++
After YUTO TEACHES HIM DRUMS = THE UNIVERSE IMPLODING
AND SUDA MASAKI COTRECTING YUTO'S GRIP WHEN HE JERKS HIM OFF IS A WHOLE NEW UNIVERSE BEING BORN AND GODS SO HOT.
AND SO FUCKING INTIMATE
YUTO HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THIS OMG
This is exactly what I love in fics. A perfect balance between hurt/comfort and STUPID OBLIVIOUS STUBBORN BOYS WHO JUST WON'T SEE THE MOST OBVIOUS THINGS :'D
And then the shis-kebab xDDDDDD oh gods I don't blame Suda one bit for falling for Yuto after that. Also it needs to happen xD oh gosh
And just I was laughing my head out YOU THROW PINK TO GRAY FEELS AT ME??? GAAAAAH
EVERYTHING HURTS SO GOOD
<I>"Hating him and wanting to fuck him at the same time was more than a little confusing.” </I>
This is my headcanon forever and ever.
And I HAD to quote this one too, even if copy-pasting in my tiny phone is extremely difficult with my HUGE thumbs... BECAUSE
<I> “Isn’t that what this is about?”</I>
I had to bite my lip not to yell. Literally.
Gosh. SO GOOOOOOOD
<i>“I want you to say my name instead of his.”</i>
I'M NOY CRYING YOU ARE
AND THIS IS SO PERFEEEEECT
I AM ROLLING ON THE FLOOR AS I READ IT FOR THE THIRD TIME AND IT IS STILL PERFECT
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH
I LOVE HOW IT'S SAD AND IT HURTS AND IT'S SO INCREDIBLY HOT AT THE SAME TIME
I LOVE THAT IS SUDA TRYING TO WIN YUTO IN AN IMPOSSIBLE SITUATION AND GODS IT HURTS SO GOOD
AND HE TOPS :'D
AND I AM SO DONE WITH LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING
I LOVE YOU ANON-SAMA
SO MUCH
And Yuuuuuuutooooooo
He is so broken and he is also an idiot but he is a broken idiot with an alcohol problem and i love that he is so flawed and blind and guuuuuuaaaaahhhh *dies*
[Also Suda on his knees.... but yeah;
Angst]
I love the conversation with Yamada. The way it starts like that first convo with Yuto but then it's not bc THIS IS DIFFERENT.
And gosh, Yamada. And everything you let us see between the lines *-* this was so well written I am SO JEALOUS!!!!!!
AND THEN YUTO. AND FOOD. AND OH GODS THIS.
THIS
AND THIS PRECIOUS HOPEFUL ENDING \o/
BECAUSE LOVE IS HARD WORK AND GAAAAAAH YUUUTO AND GAAAAAAH SUDAAAA AND GAAAAAAAH EVERYTHING
I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS FIC AND I DON'T DESERVE IT BC I AM THE WORST AND HAD TO DROP OFF THE EXCHANGE AND THEN I GET THIS BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF TOXIC BLISS AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS ANON-SAMA.
THANK YOUUUUU
I LOVE YOU MARRY MEEE
no subject
And this is so beautiful and realistic and just perfect (eeeven though I had a minor breakdown at the end because ugh I hate unrequited feelings with a passion).
I feel for Yuto so bad. Darling. Living with a feelings like that must be so hard, I can see he needed some kind of outlet for it.
Also the way they have sex is so heartbreaking except still hot? It's hot but there's this undertone of bad feelings nobody wants to talk about, and then Suda slowly realizes he doesn't care about Yamada anymore, he just wants to be himself when sleeping with Yuto.
I think the backstory feels very realistic too. I like realistic so much even though it hurts more that way orz
I really like the fact that Suda goes to talk to Yamada about that whole mess eventually, even if it's messed up.
I'm very grateful the ending is hopeful, or I would be crying. I still think it's rough and complicated with that whole mess of feelings Yuto's having, but I'm glad they decide to give each other a chance with the baggage they have.
So... All in all, I'm kind of happy I read this and let you break my heart? What? Anyway, amazing fic <3